What Do You Mean I Need to 'Follow My Child's Lead'?
The Benefits of Child-Led Learning
Are You a Gardener or a Carpenter?
Don’t worry, this isn’t a BuzzFeed quiz.
The Gardener and the Carpenter, written by Alison Gopnick, outlines two types of parent-child relationships. One is the parent who wants to build out each step of their child’s life in order to reach a certain outcome (The Carpenter), and the other is the parent who provides a nurturing space for their child to grow without a specific outcome in mind (The Gardener).
Throughout the book, Gopnick reflects on a fundamental idea: regardless of your parenting style you are a caregiver, and being a caregiver isn’t a job it’s a relationship. In our current era, there are infinite ongoing debates around the “job” of parenthood, as if we are all tasked with creating a product. Kids are not commodities. Child rearing is not akin to making furniture, it’s about helping a human being that you love to grow and thrive.
Gardening is risky and often heartbreaking. Every gardener knows the pain of watching that most promising of sprouts wither unexpectedly. But the only garden that didn’t have those risks, that wasn’t attended with that pain, would be one made of Astroturf studded with plastic daisies. (Gopnick, 2016)
What does “follow the child’s lead” even mean, and what does this have to do with plants???
Nobody is planting anything, it’s just a metaphor!
The phrase follow the child’s lead comes from Dr. Stanley Greenspan and Dr. Serena Wieder, the co-creators of the DIRFloortime model®1. Instead of attempting to tirelessly sculpt a child into our ideal human, which at any point could backfire when they decide to forge their own path, we should be following their lead and bestowing agency. Along that journey, they will learn many important lessons:
Trust
First and foremost, when we follow a child’s lead, we are creating a foundation of trust within a relationship. They express an idea, we validate or encourage that idea, they tell themselves “this is a good idea,” they feel important and smart, they become confident in sharing more ideas, and the cycle continues.
In turn, they begin to trust us to validate their sense of self as an important, innovative, smart human being who is valued and loved. Eventually that feeling becomes a critical aspect of their sense of self,2 and they begin to trust themselves. Their judgment. Their point of view. Does that mean we can never reject an idea? Absolutely not. Actually the opposite—we should be challenging ideas in a respectful way. Trust entails love existing amidst rejection.
Advocacy
Following a child’s lead also provides the opportunity to learn that words hold powerful meaning, including the word “no.”
Dealing with no’s is probably one of the hardest parts of raising kids. It’s also vital for their language development and self-advocacy skills—protesting and rejecting ideas are functional uses of language. Believe it or not, we want kids to become adults who feel okay setting boundaries and telling people “no” when it’s appropriate.3 We also want them to take someone seriously when told “no” and not have a total meltdown, or in extreme cases make dangerous decisions.
When hearing “no” at home or in the classroom, we follow the child’s lead by trying to understand the source of the rejection or protestation. Why do you think they said no? Is the child upset? Tired? Confused? Worried? Are they seeking control and trying to get into a power struggle? Sometimes kids need to feel powerful, but it is obviously a delicate balance. As the adult, it’s our tough job to make a judgment call for how to handle negotiations and consequences, but the important part is that our kids feel heard and understood.
Innovation
Adults naturally want to fix problems for kids, and kids do learn how to problem solve through observation and imitation. However, children also need to learn how to innovate through taking risks on their own. I like to think of it like improv—we’re yes, and-ing.
Remember that an important aspect of open-ended play is the repetitive practice of ideas working towards mastery. When we jump in to offer solutions, we are interrupting the planning, sequencing, and ideation that comes along with innovation.
Let’s take a step back. Just sit and watch. Observe. Narrate what you notice. Perhaps they come to the same conclusion you would have—if so, great. A boost to your own sense of self. If not—maybe you’ve learned a different way to arrive at the same solution. Maybe it’s even better than the way you’ve always achieved success!
Creativity
I separated creativity from innovation purposefully. Innovation is about creating new methods or products, while creativity is about the evolution of new ideas using our imaginations. Yes, innovation can lead to creativity and vice versa, but they are keenly different. Don’t forget I’m a speech pathologist! Word choice and semantic relations are my wheelhouse.
Anyways, back to creativity. Because it involves using our imaginations, we’re going to approach an interaction or idea like pretend play. They are the executive directors and we are the producers. For example, let’s say your child’s favorite food is noodles. They love eating them, talking about them, and looking for them on menus. How can we follow their lead while expanding on this idea a bit more, so that we are creating something they connect to and love?
Well first, do they initiate any ideas like, “who made the first noodle?” or “can I make my own brand new noodle?” If that is hard, due to developmental age and/or individual differences in neurodivergence, you can get them started with a few activities and see how it progresses from there. Here’s a few examples:
Looking through cookbooks about noodles from different cultures
Reading picture books about noodles
Watching Chef’s Table: Noodles
Making “noodle dough” out of flour, water, and salt and engaging in sensory play
Going on a scavenger hunt for different noodle shapes at the grocery store
Stringing dry pasta on yarn and ribbon to make necklaces and bracelets
Your child could want to repeat certain activities while others may morph into novel experiences—just follow their lead from there.
Love
In my experience, one of the ways I know that I am correctly following a child’s lead is the way they gaze up at me when they recognize that I understand their thought processes and want to support their endeavors. You know the look I’m talking about—that wide-eyed look of wonder. In the DIRFloortime® world we call it “the gleam in the eye.”
Starting at a very young age, children develop passions and interests, which become a significant part of their identities. Sometimes their passions are expected, like loving animals, playing soccer, and dancing. Other times, their passions seem extremely random or weird, like loving ceiling fans. By embracing our kids’ passions, regardless of own opinions, we’re showing them how much we care. Acknowledgement of our kid’s ideas is a simple, yet powerful way that we give and receive love within the context of a trusting and meaningful relationship.
Pride
Kids are really blunt. If we interfere too much, they will quickly give up and tell us “you just do it, you know how better than me.” Instead, we should want to hear, “Wow I can’t believe I did that” and “I did it all by myself!” They’re used to adults having all the ideas and knowing how to fix every problem. What happens when it’s them who is knowledgeable and capable?
Neurodivergent kids especially can experience self-loathing and low levels of pride in their work, because their individual differences pose various challenges to learning, relating, and communicating. Most of the day they feel like failures. We see this materialize through negative self talk, work avoidance, social isolation, and obstinance. When we instead follow their lead and support their ideas, it not only helps them to feel powerful and successful, it gives them an opportunity to be proud of who they are and recognize their true capabilities.
Of which I’m trained. If you’re interested in learning more, you can visit icdl.com
Why yes. That is the plot of Inside Out 2! Way to pay attention
Their saying “no” is not always the final answer. You’re the parent and are absolutely entitled to limit setting and consequences.