How to Help Kids Be a Little More Independent (and Hopefully Stay Organized)
Part two!
Welcome back for PART II of “How to Help Kids Stay Organized (and Hopefully a Little More Independent). Some of you have joined since the last installment was published, so if you haven’t already, you can go back and read Part I here.
So, you want your kids to be more independent. Guess what? So do child development experts.
Independence bolsters a child’s self-esteem and self worth.
Peter Gray, author of my new favorite Substack Play Makes Us Human and creator of Let Grow1, published a 2023 study finding a decrease in children’s overall mental health over the last 15 years as the result of a loss in independent activity. Emily Oster and Dr. Jonathan Haidt recently discussed a similar topic in the first episode of Raising Parents, titled “Are We Over-Parenting Our Kids?” Without opportunities for independent play and task completion, kids are taking fewer risks and are struggling to persevere through the smallest challenges.
Instead of simply being the “producers” in children’s play and learning, some adults have become the directors, gaffers, sound mixers, art directors, and executive producers of their entire lives. Ironically enough, parents are simultaneously over-parenting and desperately searching for a few minutes to themselves. There has to be a middle ground.
The solution? We need to provide our kids with opportunities for structured independence at home.
As humans, we orient and organize ourselves in three basic capacities: person, place, and time.
Person (aka your child/children…and their stuff)
There’s so much stuff. Sometimes too many choices can make an environment overwhelming, and kids will seek us out for help. Because the goal is independence, we need to curate their choices for them.
For younger children, I suggest putting between 4-5 items in a basket or bin—a mix between 1-2 highly preferred items and 2-3 toys and/or books you think they might be interested in that day. Obviously, I think blocks are always a great choice, but any kind of toy that promotes open-ended, repetitive play will hold their attention longer. With time and repetition, they can eventually help you plan what they want in the basket.
Remember that in order for them to access all items independently, they need to be able to retrieve everything by themselves without getting hurt—safety within the context of independence is still a priority! Having young kids at home, you are probably already using soft, low to the ground bins that they can reach for.
School aged kids are of course coming home to do homework, but I hope they’re also getting in some non-screen playtime. We can easily accommodate both on a cart or shelving unit.
Place
Next, we need to create an optimal environment. Children heavily rely on visual clues to understand expectations for their own behavior, both physical and symbolic (i.e. facial expressions and gestures). If you buy a new rug and introduce it as The Play Area, they’ll believe you. If you designate the kitchen table as The Homework Zone for the hours of after school until right before dinnertime, they’ll (mostly) accept it.
Kids who are school-aged have a better orientation to useable space at home, but even in a small NYC apartment more than one choice of where they should be doing work can be disorienting when they’re tired and hungry at the end of the day. Therefore, we need to curate an area at home that will be the reliable, designated homework spot.
We also need to curate play spaces. Again, items like rugs, play pens, playhouses, forts, and mats act as great visual anchors for young kids. When they leave the play space to show you something, to go to the bathroom, or to grab a snack, they know exactly where to go back and play.
Now this is where the ULTIMATE HOME SYSTEM really comes into play, because that basket, cart, or shelf should be in the same place as where they’re doing homework and playing. Another visual anchor!
Time
Children don’t have a reliable internal clock, although our bodies are naturally attuned to internal rhythms. Classrooms have a variety of ways to support understanding concepts of time—calendars, visual schedules, timers, and clocks.
To help kids organize their time, we need to curate visual supports:
checklists
agendas
making a visual schedule with pictures or words
writing a list together on a white board
number labels (seen above on cart visual)
hour glasses (kids LOVE these)
How does this work, best case scenario?
So let’s pretend you have a neurotypical 3.5 year old who loves to build, color, and request The Gruffalo non-stop. They follow directions pretty well, have had a nap at their usual time, ate perfectly that day and are full, just went to the bathroom, and have a water bottle or juice nearby if they need it. This would be my set-up:
Okay, we’ve got our “Person,” aka our stuff: A variety of toys, games, and books that promote open-ended play and sustained attention in a large linen bin without a lid for easy access. 2 all time faves (Gruffalo and robot blocks) with 3 new items to explore that are related to their interests.
We’ve got our “Place”: The cardboard playhouse and Toy Story toile rug (it’s machine washable!). You don’t need both, but I included them as choices in case they want a slight change of scenery and/or privacy. You’ll set this up in the room of your choice at home—open-concept living room, playroom, den—you’re the parent and you know what’s best.
Now for “Time”: Music is helpful for building a child’s understanding of time. Knowing this, I would turn on a curated 30-minute (or however long you’re aiming for) playlist of calm music—there are plenty of pre-made playlists to choose from on your favorite streaming platform. (Here’s my go-to)
Maybe you have a 10-year-old diagnosed with Dyslexia and ADHD and a neurotypical six year old at home. The older one has homework, the younger one just has a reading log and loves to draw. Both kids want snacks, albeit sometimes they want different ones. Here’s how I would plan for both of them:
“Person”: On the cart I would have snacks and drinks sitting in baskets on the top shelf. You can either group them by type or put each kid’s snacks in their own separate baskets. The middle shelf is for homework organization. On the bottom shelf, put extra supplies like paper, markers, and coloring pages so that in addition to your 10-year-old having what he needs, your six-year-old can sit with her brother and draw. She should also have a file holder on the middle shelf that houses her book baggy.2 In attachable cups (included with the cart) on the side are any and all necessary writing utensils.
“Place”: Your curated homework spot
“Time”: The middle shelf of the cart should have file holders, so that your 10-year-old can separate his work by subject. Kids with ADHD and Learning Disabilities can simultaneously have trouble with sequencing and exhibit decision paralysis when getting a task started. In the moment it may not seem super helpful, but they could end up being another beneficial visual cue. I would also write a list or agenda with him to help plan out his work, and provide some sort of visual timer if he finds it helpful.
For the six-year-old, you can either talk about your plan together or provide her with a visual agenda too. Since she loves to draw, maybe you create a sequence of pictures together that represent the order of events—snack and then playtime. Maybe she even wants to listen to an audiobook while she plays, so you throw that on the cart for easy access. As a neurotypical six-year-old, she shouldn’t need curated play choices to keep herself busy anymore; however, on the off chance she’s having a hard day and/or needs the help, follow the same framework as listed above.
Expectations vs. Reality
Sometimes plans work and a lot of times they don’t. I have had so many plans go awry in the span of my career that it would make your head spin. In order for routines like this to stick, you have to be persistent and repetitive. Even when things go ridiculously wrong, like your toddler trashing your entire living room, you have to try the exact same plan again hoping it goes better the next time…or the next. Not only are you modeling perseverance, you’re demonstrating to your child that things can both fall apart and be repaired, physically and emotionally. At school, kids are practicing routines all day every day, and it usually takes a few months to get into the swing of things. Give yourself and your kids a realistic amount of time to achieve success.
Boundaries also play a huge role in setting up expectations for independence. Your child may get anxious or upset that you aren’t playing with them or helping them with homework, and they may try everything in their power to grab your attention. Unless something involves their immediate safety and well being, redirecting kids back to the original plan is always the goal. Redirection should be individualized, because it really is dependent on the child and situation. If you’re experiencing challenges in this area, and are looking for some feedback or problem solving support, I am available for consultations—you can DM me here on Substack or reach out to me by email.
I would like to note that as adults, it’s possible that your own individual differences impact your day to day functioning as a caregiver. Maybe you have ADHD or a Learning Disability, and it can be really hard to wrap your head around organizing another human being when it feels impossible to do the same for yourself. That concern is real and understandable. Just know that I’m here to lend a professional hand if you need and want it. If you are lucky enough to have a mental health professional supporting your neurodivergence, that is another great life-line.
This work can be hard, but it really benefits our kids in the end! I’d love to hear your thoughts on strategies you’ve used at home to encourage independence, regardless of their perceived success or failure.
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https://letgrow.org
Maybe your family does that reading together at bedtime, that’s totally fine! I suggest keeping it on the cart, because these books often go missing and it becomes a burden on the teachers to replace them. It’s helping model for your 6 year old how to be responsible in transporting her belongings between home and school (with help and reminders from you, of course).
thanks for this!!